Birthday Musings

So I am 36. Whoa. I have long maintained that I looked forward to my 50s. Why? Because by then you are comfortable in your own skin, more financially secure, your kids, if not fully grown, are at least well on their way, and your health is still pretty good. And anecdotally, a lot of women in their 50s seem really happy. Well. I am now closer to 50 than I am to 20. So there is progress, eh?

Taking a moment to indulge in a little self-contemplation, I have found over the years that my sense of freedom is very important to me. So it's a little strange that my choices included marriage and a child. But I've also been a pretty dutiful daughter. And my mom told me in no uncertain terms that I HAD to get married because, while by the time my kids got older it may not matter, that for her, having unmarried marriage-aged children meant that other people looked at you with pity, or felt sorry for you, etc. So I never really considered not getting married. And despite the fact that the Other J and I have lived through the rockiest year of our union, overall, it hasn't been such a bad ride. But I seem to have entered into a stage of late where I have no interest in doing things out of duty or because of any need to please anyone other than me.

Example the First: Going back to school. While in theory, this is all to get me back into the work force, the more important purpose was about stimulating my noggin and getting my life to be more enjoyable.

Example the Second: I stopped going to church. I've been attending non-stop since 3 or 4, despite having a mixed reaction and more than my share of drama throughout the whole experience. I am planning on going back eventually. But it will be when I feel like it, not because I feel guilty or because every time I call my Dad, my Dad's caretaker keeps on prompting him to ask if I've started going to church yet.

Example the Third: I only have been doing the dance-based exercise classes. I feel that it will be better for my fitness if I mix in more weight lifting or circuit training classes. But I'm only going to do what I like. And that's dance baby! I had been telling myself that it seems obnoxious to grab a spot in the front row for dance classes. But I've been doing it. I like being in front of the mirror (even though admitting that to anyone who doesn't know me well enough to be already aware of that tidbit is deeply humiliating). And although I embarrassedly deflect the occasional compliment or two by commenting on how much fun the class is, I am secretly pleased to get the compliment (this too is a humiliating admission).

Example the Fourth: I like this limbo period. I have the intellectual stimulation and challenge to keep my mind busy. But I also have enough time to spend with my son, let my wanderlust direct me as I will on days that I don't have tax law classes, and take all these quasi-dance group exercise classes. Once I finish and get a job, I won't be able to enjoy the luxuries the extra time affords me.

But for the moment, I'm cautiously happy. I think my backyard is beautiful and it gives me peace to contemplate it languidly every day. The dance classes somehow fill my performance craving -- even though I'm really only performing to my own reflection. And the physical activity is good for me. The time devoted to school is challenging, but not overwhelming. And I have enough time away from Sinjin to miss him and yet enjoy a great deal of quality time with him. I have, despite my over-scheduling nature and tendency to over-involve myself into stuff, somehow achieved a measure of balance in my life. It feels as foreign as living in a different country. I feel like I'm Peter Mayle in one of his Provence books. And it feels good. Even though the bad bits in the last year and a half have been truly awful. I got through it and right now, I feel a little zen. Ahh. It must be because I'm closer to 50 than I am to 20. If only I had more close girlfriends nearby. Maybe by my next birthday?