My One and Only?

Probably. Actually, very likely. Although I leave room for the quasi-miraculous and for the possibility that God may have a strong preference for the Js to have a second child, the initial batch of blood tests for a potential IVF cycle revealed that my chances of conceiving on my own were less likely than what we had anticipated. And since I'm a realist and managed to go through 7 years of marriage without getting pregnant, expectations weren't exactly high. But as I thought about gearing up for another IVF cycle, I just kept on dragging my feet. Internal deadlines came and went, and I realized that I had to examine my feelings. Because the hideous blood test results suggested that I really don't have any time to waste.

But then it all poured out of me in one sitting. First, I love my son dearly. And I think if I had never tried to have children, I would have deeply regretted it. He enriches my life, and the experience of knowing him is so much greater than I could ever have imagined. However, motherhood as an activity, if you will, I don't find all that satisfying. And I know that it could be. I've seen other women and friends who find a deep contentment after they've had a baby. For some, it really is truly transformative. Whereas for me, while my relationship to my son has been transformative, I feel like I'm more restless than ever. It seems almost like heresy in my mind, but I don't really like doing the things that go along with motherhood. Also, I know that Sinjin always has been and remains a remarkably easy kid. I'm sure that he will eventually pay me back for that at some later time, but I fear that I won't cope with a not-so-easy baby all that well since I'm so used to Mr. Sinjin's laid back ways. And he's getting to an age where he's not so all-consuming anymore. He sleeps like a rock through the night. He's a good and well-mannered eater when we go out for meals. Even traveling and vacationing with him is getting to be pretty easy.

I had wanted Mr. Sinjin to have a sibling because I thought that would be a nice experience for him. But I really haven't had a burning desire to have another child. And I certainly don't want to do another IVF cycle. It's so, so . . . brutally intentional and I think I've just hit my limit on the process. And the Other J, for quite some time now, has stated that he would be really happy to have Sinjin be an only child. For some reason, I had felt like there's an undercurrent of pressure to have 2 children here. 1 is unusual. And so is 3. But 2. Well, America is just made for families with 2 kids (or at least the unidentified force seems to suggest). But there are entire countries and continents where people only have 1 child per family. But of course, I feel guilt about it. And informed the Other J that he picked a very poor spouse -- from a Darwinian perspective.

I think if I conceived on my own, I would be delighted and grateful about it. But that really looks highly unlikely. So I am left contemplating life with Mr. Sinjin being my one and only. And that would be just fine for me. And the Other J.